I Won't Go Back

I remember when I first moved here to Kingsburg. It is so hot here (pretty much over 100 degrees all summer) and I was quietly refusing to wear shorts and there is no way you would catch me in a tank top. I was miserable. MISERABLE!

I was overweight and bordering on obese. There is a funny thing about being overweight, some people need to lose 100 pounds or more and some need to lose 40, but the mental aspect of being fat is the same. You are self- conscious yet you have done it to yourself and you continue it. I had a million plans and a million diets that I continually failed. Instead of losing weight I would gain it.

I so remember going out to the river trying to cover up my rolls and flabs and just wishing I didn't have to go. I felt disgusting. When you are overweight you are so self conscious but the only person who is really noticing it is you. Look around, there are fat people everywhere. Is there anyone pointing at them saying, "Disgusting?" No.

Your friends know you and love you no matter what you look like. They may wish you'd lose weight because then you'd stop complaining so much but they don't think about it when they look at you. Do you think about it when you look at an overweight friend?

So it is summer now and I have been wearing my shorts and my tank top. I have even worn a bathing suit in public multiple times. I still have weight to lose but I am now comfortable. That is such a perfect word, "comfortable." I was so uncomfortable before. I will not ever go back to where I was. There are a million reasons but the best is that I have come to where I am now by changing my lifestyle. I like my new lifestyle. I like the food I eat and the amount of it I eat. I am satisfied and I even enjoy food for because I don't feel guilty. I still eat ice cream and cookies but I do it in moderation. I exercise. A LOT. But I love it and I will not give it up.

If you are uncomfortable in your own skin, start making a change. Whatever you are doing that is maintaining being overweight is not worth it. Who cares if it takes two years to get to your goal weight. Will you be more comfortable once you make some healthy changes and lose 5, 10, 30 pounds... YES!

Do I really want to succeed?

I remember this idea I had in my head for the longest time, I had a suspicion that I actually didn't want myself to succeed. Why would I run 5 miles and later that day cancel it out with calories, saying "I deserve this."

I finally heard someone put a name to the thoughts I had about what I saw doing. "Self-sabotage." Having a name helped so much. I could stop myself before eating the ice cream I thought I deserved and say, "I am self-sabotaging, why am I doing this?"

But even with identifying the problem it has still been important to figure out what my reason is for not wanting to succeed. I have figured out a few reasons but there could be many for you. If you think you struggle with self-sabotage you need to figure out why you are doing it. Do you think you're not worth it? Do you want to make sure people really like you for you, and not the way you look? Are you protecting yourself somehow from being hurt with a wall of being overweight? Knowing the reason is the beginning of the healing you will need to do before you truly succeed.

Me time

We are all in different points in our lives. Right now I am staying home with two small children. One of them can do very little on her own and the other wants to do very little on her own. I am always needed. It isn't like it was when I was nursing in the middle of the night and felt like 99.9% of my day was devoted to taking care of my kids. Now I have a little more time but there is so much to do. I listed many of these things just now and then deleted the list because so many of them are things I enjoy but they are also obligations. I honestly feel like I am running all day to get stuff done but at the end of the day you can't tell that I have done much.

Now I know not everyone is at the same point in their life. Some people work really long hours. Some are in school. But I know very few people who think there are enough hours in the day. So there are things on my obligation list, even though I enjoy many of them: spending time in God's word, exercising, spending quality time with my family, and even my small business is something I enjoy. But with all the obligations there is one thing that is easy to leave out. Me time. It can be put aside because other things are more important. But guess what happens if you don't have "me time"? Eating a brownie becomes "me time." Drinking an 700 calorie coffee drink in the car on the way to costco is "me time." How about something you actually enjoy to do that isn't food? Something that is almost like a delicacy. Something maybe you do on your vacations?

For me it is reading or writing. I LOVE to read but I have barely read at all since my children were born. For you it could be a thousand different things. And I am not talking about something you sort of like, like jogging. I do love jogging but I also know it is an obligation to exercise.

So why not set aside 20 minutes to an hour - for you? You are worth it. How might your whole day and attitude be different if instead of cleaning when the kids napped (or whenever you hour of downtime might be), you read a book, or scrapbooked, or played an online game, or did something else useless except for the fact that you enjoyed doing it!

So what would your me time be?

Eating 4 Cookies does not Equal a Vacation from My Children

...a short rant..

I think I have gone over this before. Why does my brain think stuffing myself with comfort food will make me feel better.
My kids are great. I love them. They are so fun and funny. But my hubby has been so busy lately it has all been on me. Not complaining. Two
of those days he was building our new fence all day in 100 degree weather while I was inside the air conditioning. So totally not complaining. But I hear the words,"I need a vacation" run through my head as I shove a cookie in my mouth.
So now as my 4 year old pretends she is a dog eating her spaghetti with her face in the bowl and my two year old, snot dripping from the nose, laughs hysterically every time I tell her not to do something, I feel worse because I overdosed on cookies. I need a vacation. Not to Hawaii. Just to somewhere by myself for like 2 hours.

Day 13 Level of Commitment

My youngest daughter turned two last month. I know that now could be the time to potty train her. She is capable, if I take the time to go into intensive potty training mode. I like the idea of not buying or changing diapers. I would like her to be potty trained. So last week I hesitantly decided to get started. I bought all the little rewards and made the charts, I covered the floor with towels. I had the plan of not leaving the house much for about a week. After about 3 hours I decided to wait a few more months.

You are probably wondering if you are reading the wrong blog. What does potty training have to do with weight loss? My daughter is capable of being potty trained, I am not committed to the process of doing it right now. It is way too much work. I know I have to do it eventually but I just don't want to right now.

Now do you see the connection? Your level of success is directly related to your level of commitment. You may want to lose weight. You may want to be healthier. But wanting a result isn't going to mean much if you are not committed to the process that is going to lead to results. You actually have to be committed to the process. Committed to change. So committed that you stick with it when things get tough. So what would get your to truly commit to the challenge you are facing?

Day 12 Unsatisfied

Yesterday's mood has carried over to today. In my head I am telling myself that when I feel this way I need to respond by just continuing what I should be doing, even though I don't want to do it. I really don't want to write about this now when I don't have my stuff together. I feel like writing about my struggles with food in hindsight is okay but it is embarrassing to say, "I am struggling right now." I want to have it all together. I want this to be a thing of the past as I help other figure their issues out - but I know I am still a work in progress too. So bare with me.

Today I feel hungry. Today I feel unsatisfied. Today I feel tired of tracking what I eat. And I see myself backtracking into my old ways - reaching for some cookie dough I made for a dessert I am bringing somewhere. And the lie in my mind is that it will satisfy whatever my issue is right now. I know it won't but it feels like food will do the trick. Well it didn't. I had a spoonful and I just wanted more. This could keep going so I decided to come over here and write about it.

Here is what I know to be true: Jesus is the only one who can satisfy my deepest need. Here's a few verses about that and it is funny how he compares himself to food in many more verses then what I will share here.

John 6:35
Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

John 4:13-14
Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Galations 5:1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

What it comes done to in this: Jesus is the only one who can satisfy. We were designed to be satisfied by Him. He came to satisfy us and He came to save us from sin. But we can still fall back into our old habits when we aren't completely relying on his strength. We can still try to satisfy ourselves instead of turning to Him.

It is such a strange irony. I feel free when I live in submission to God and when I eat in a controlled manner. I feel free and I am free. But something comes along and tries to steal my freedom. I start to eat out of control and I feel trapped and enslaved to food again.

I will stand firm. I am free, I will not go back to that yoke of slavery. Instead I will take his yoke.

Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus says) "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Day 11 Not in the Mood

For the past few weeks I have been feeling great and was wondering what could possibly come along to derail my eating plan and motivation to stay strong on this journey.

And today I am just not in the mood to count calories, eat well, or even write about it.

What is the reason behind it? Well it's nothing catastrophic or anything. I am just tired. My daughter has been waking up with nightmares - you know - the big bad wolf is in her room, or there is a lobster in her bed or the floor is covered in "pokies." I have done my mommy duty of patience and comforting in the middle of the night but I wake up drained. I know this is not a big deal. I know things could be so much worse, I could be going through literal nightmares in life. I am thankful and blessed for this season of peace and joy we have in our home. Getting up to comfort my sweet daughter is not a big deal, I hope you don't think I am complaining. I am simply identifying what is causing me to be in this mood.

The question is, am I going to allow a non-existent lobster to stop me from achieving my goals?

Almost. Thankfully my kitchen has very little unhealthy food in it so I can't quickly grab a bunch of junk food when I am not in the mood to cook healthy. I have lots of healthy and yummy snacks ready that are much easier than trying to figure out how to satisfy my unhealthy desire to rebel today. This is part of the plan. There will be days like this. I need to be prepared.

It is really helpful that I am writing about this because normally life just happens and I never really know what came along to mess me up.