Milk and Honey

If you think about it, the only reason we need food, is because God created us that way. He made the heavens and the Earth, He did not have to make us dependent on food for survival. And let's be honest, food is not about survival in everyday life. If we haven't eaten in four hours we may say, "I am starving to death," but this is obviously not true. Food is about so much more than survival, and I believe God wants it to be more than that. I think he wants us to enjoy food. But he also wants it to remind us that we are fragile and dependent on Him. (See previous blog post He>i for more on that.)

Exodus 3:7-8 The Lord said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey.."

The promise land, over and over in the Bible, is described as a land FLOWING with milk and honey. That's good food. That's dessert, extra. It is not survival food, it is luxury food.

We are His children and He wants us to have joy in life. Not joy from food, joy from Him. He has given us good gifts, most of all His salvation through grace alone. So why do we lose control to food? (Of course it could be so many different things besides food for different people.)

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Do you think that means He wants us to sit on our couch and eat bon bons all day? Well, I wouldn't call that abundant life. I would call that a way Satan is trying to steal someone's abundant life. In the Bible we are called to action, called to work, called to serve, called to love. But we are also called to share the joy of the Christian life with others in fellowship. And when any good gift he has given us gets used outside of the way it is supposed to, we can become a slave to it. He rescued the Israelites from slavery and desired to bring them to a land of milk and honey. But it is easy to slip back into slavery. We are saved by grace yet, we are drawn to things that can enslave us again.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

The solution? Here it is:

Galations 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

This takes hard work. It takes prayer. It takes renewing of your mind in the way you see food. But God will do a work in you, he will transform you and your mind. This does not happen over night. He wants to teach you something.

I have had the kind of change in my life that came from God miraculously rescuing me from sin with alcohol and cigarettes. I have also now delt with these food and eating issues for many, many years. For a long time I couldn't understand why God couldn't just take the problem away, like he did with alcohol and cigarettes. But I know now, He has many ways of working in us. God has taught me so much and grown me in so many ways as I have failed again and again. I continue to go to Him in my weakness and over and over, He is my strength.

Reaching the Bucket

At Wildwood we had a day where we did something called group initiative. It is a challenge you have to work on as a group. In the first challenge we had to get the whole group from one platform to another swinging across on a rope. If anyone touched the ground everyone had to start over. We worked on this for a few hours before we finally got everyone across. About 15 of us. We all felt very proud and accomplished and we thought we were done.

Our leaders then told us we had another GI to work on. This one was much less physical. Starting from one of those platforms we had to use bricks to walk on to get to a tree to get a bucket that was tied to the tree. If a brick touched the ground with no one touching it, we lost the brick. So basically one person would stand on a brick. Then put another brick down and have one foot on each. Then someone else would put one foot on one and the other person could take their foot off, making a path towards the tree. Every time someone messed up and touched the ground, or moved before a new person put their foot on the brick, we had to start over. We continued to lose bricks and had less and less. Finally we made it to the tree. We thought we were done and then realized there was a lock attached to the bucket. We had to find a key to open the lock. It turns out the key was in the opposite direction than we had just come from.

We made our way back with more mistakes and finally got the key. We then had to again make our way towards the tree. The second time was so much harder. We had less bricks. We were tired. We were frustrated. We had to start over again and again and again after we had the key. It seemed like it would never end. But we finally got there. We finally unlocked the lock and got the bucket which was our goal.

I hope I explained this well enough so you could understand what we were doing. There were times of extreme frustration. There were times when we did not think we would make it. Over and over we had to go back to the platform. That was one thing that never changed. The platform was always there and we always had each other.

Later that night, I couldn't believe the similarities between this group initiative and my weight loss and food issues struggle. Try and failing, trying and failing. Starting over again. Thinking I would never succeed but still trying. Thinking it wasn't even possible. Getting to where I thought I needed to be, only to realize I was missing the key. Trying and failing, starting over, but finally, now, I have the key, I have the bucket (metaphorically speaking) and I have finished.

Two more things: in the initiative, the platform was always there. The platform is like God. He does not change and is always there during our struggle. We can always go to Him. The second is, this was something that could not have been done alone. It couldn't have been done even with just me and God. I had to depend on others just like I have needed to while figuring out my food issues.
No matter where you are on your journey. Remember to depend on others, remember to depend on God. Realize that trying and failing just means you need to try again. Success is possible. There is a finish line.

What comes with freedom?

In the very beginning after God created the Heavens and the Earth. After God created man he put him in the Garden of Eden. He then gave Adam his first command:

Genesis 2:16-17 And the Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Well, we know what happened after that. Mankind experienced spiritual death and separation from God because of original sin. I wonder how many wonderful things there were in the garden, and still Adam and Eve wanted more.

How about us? Why do we think we need more? If we had control over ourselves, we could eat freely. We would enjoy food but not suffer consequences. God desires for us to be free. But even in the garden with freedom, Adam and Eve were created to live in obedience. He put the tree there and commanded that they do not eat from it.

God desires to give us all we need. He made the Earth full of good things for us to enjoy. We need to train ourselves to be satisfied in Him. To live in obedience and have control. We can not do this on our own strength, we must depend on Him.

HE>i

I have always known some of my struggle is a pride issue. There was a point when I realized I was either obsessing about how I was going to try to lose weight, or obsessing over my calories and exercise. I thought about these things constantly. All of my worth and self-confidence was wrapped up in my weight. So even when I was feeling bad about myself it was pride. I was so focused on me and what people would think of me when my focus should be on God.

One day while running, I had a realization. I was thinking about calories and food and if I did such and such I might have 5 pounds off by next whenever. Suddenly I had the thought, I could be covered in scars or burns or be crippled, and there would be nothing I could do about it. I would just have to accept who I was. I could have a bad injury and not be able to run, or exercise. Why was I obsessing about something that shouldn't be that big of a deal. It is fixable.

I overcame a lot just with that realization which was over a year ago. And now, well recently I went to a wedding feeling like I looked pretty dang good. I bought a new dress which was the smallest size I have bought in about six years, and then someone asked me if I was pregnant. I was crushed. I could not get over it. For days. But it helped me to realize that the way I look is still too important to me. Being hurt by that comment is one thing. Allowing it to ruin my night and the next few days is another.

So needless to say, I have come to the point of really praying for humility. And I found that humility is also connected with food in God's word.

Yesterday I quoted Jesus from Matthew 4 as he used God's word against Satan when Satan tempted him to turn rocks into bread after fasting for 40 days. Jesus said, "It is written, 'man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

The first scripture I want to share is the one Jesus was quoting.

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that people do not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Being humble means we know His place verses our place. He is God the sustainer and provider, we do not get credit for things we do because everything we have is from Him. He causes us to hunger it says, and this is one of the ways he reminds us that we need Him.

He is also testing us to see what is in our heart. Mine is full of pride. I can see that clearly and it is ugly. I know the only cure is the work He is doing in me as I continue to seek Him. He has done so much in me already, I am so thankfully He is not done!

100%

I have been saying for probably two years that I have my food issues 80% figured out and I wanted more than anything to figure out the last 20%. Well, I can finally say, I I am there! I thought working on this blog would get me there. And, it has helped. One of the ways it has helped me the most, is by showing me the passion I have, to help people who are struggling with these issues. I have had a lot of women and men open up to me about their lifetime struggle with weight and food. But writing this blog, and even helping people, has not brought me to 100%. It was God's word.

And now I feel I have so much to say. It might end up being multiple more blog posts to tell you about what I learned and what God has to say about food, nourishment, craving, satisfaction, eating, hunger, and more.

I had the opportunity to be a counselor at Wildwood, a discipleship camp at Hume Lake. At Wildwood, they give you approximately an hour to be in God's word and have time alone with Him, every day. I loved this time. The first day we had "solo time" our leader talked about God's word being like food. His focus had nothing to do with diet or weight issues but he quoted Matthew 4:1-4. In this passage, Jesus has been fasting for 40 days and He was hungry. "The tempter came and said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread." But Jesus answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

After talking about these verses with us he told us we can use a lot of other things to sustain or nourish us when we should use God's word. He posed the question, "Where am I seeking my food/nourishment?"

Basically, we all feel like we need to be filled up. Some of us go literally to food even when we aren't literally hungry. Some of us want approval, or success, or there is an endless list I could write about that aren't necessarily bad in themselves, but when we use them to take the place of God's word, we can never really be satisfied. This wasn't new news to me, and I think I have talked about it before in this blog. But when he asked the question, it made me want to see what else God's word said about food.

So for the next few days of solo time, I was able to look up and study these things. I learned so much. I can't wait to tell you about it. I am going to have to spread it out between posts. For now, look up Matthew 4 and ask yourself the question that our leader asked, where are you seeking your food/nourishment?

I Won't Go Back

I remember when I first moved here to Kingsburg. It is so hot here (pretty much over 100 degrees all summer) and I was quietly refusing to wear shorts and there is no way you would catch me in a tank top. I was miserable. MISERABLE!

I was overweight and bordering on obese. There is a funny thing about being overweight, some people need to lose 100 pounds or more and some need to lose 40, but the mental aspect of being fat is the same. You are self- conscious yet you have done it to yourself and you continue it. I had a million plans and a million diets that I continually failed. Instead of losing weight I would gain it.

I so remember going out to the river trying to cover up my rolls and flabs and just wishing I didn't have to go. I felt disgusting. When you are overweight you are so self conscious but the only person who is really noticing it is you. Look around, there are fat people everywhere. Is there anyone pointing at them saying, "Disgusting?" No.

Your friends know you and love you no matter what you look like. They may wish you'd lose weight because then you'd stop complaining so much but they don't think about it when they look at you. Do you think about it when you look at an overweight friend?

So it is summer now and I have been wearing my shorts and my tank top. I have even worn a bathing suit in public multiple times. I still have weight to lose but I am now comfortable. That is such a perfect word, "comfortable." I was so uncomfortable before. I will not ever go back to where I was. There are a million reasons but the best is that I have come to where I am now by changing my lifestyle. I like my new lifestyle. I like the food I eat and the amount of it I eat. I am satisfied and I even enjoy food for because I don't feel guilty. I still eat ice cream and cookies but I do it in moderation. I exercise. A LOT. But I love it and I will not give it up.

If you are uncomfortable in your own skin, start making a change. Whatever you are doing that is maintaining being overweight is not worth it. Who cares if it takes two years to get to your goal weight. Will you be more comfortable once you make some healthy changes and lose 5, 10, 30 pounds... YES!

Do I really want to succeed?

I remember this idea I had in my head for the longest time, I had a suspicion that I actually didn't want myself to succeed. Why would I run 5 miles and later that day cancel it out with calories, saying "I deserve this."

I finally heard someone put a name to the thoughts I had about what I saw doing. "Self-sabotage." Having a name helped so much. I could stop myself before eating the ice cream I thought I deserved and say, "I am self-sabotaging, why am I doing this?"

But even with identifying the problem it has still been important to figure out what my reason is for not wanting to succeed. I have figured out a few reasons but there could be many for you. If you think you struggle with self-sabotage you need to figure out why you are doing it. Do you think you're not worth it? Do you want to make sure people really like you for you, and not the way you look? Are you protecting yourself somehow from being hurt with a wall of being overweight? Knowing the reason is the beginning of the healing you will need to do before you truly succeed.

Me time

We are all in different points in our lives. Right now I am staying home with two small children. One of them can do very little on her own and the other wants to do very little on her own. I am always needed. It isn't like it was when I was nursing in the middle of the night and felt like 99.9% of my day was devoted to taking care of my kids. Now I have a little more time but there is so much to do. I listed many of these things just now and then deleted the list because so many of them are things I enjoy but they are also obligations. I honestly feel like I am running all day to get stuff done but at the end of the day you can't tell that I have done much.

Now I know not everyone is at the same point in their life. Some people work really long hours. Some are in school. But I know very few people who think there are enough hours in the day. So there are things on my obligation list, even though I enjoy many of them: spending time in God's word, exercising, spending quality time with my family, and even my small business is something I enjoy. But with all the obligations there is one thing that is easy to leave out. Me time. It can be put aside because other things are more important. But guess what happens if you don't have "me time"? Eating a brownie becomes "me time." Drinking an 700 calorie coffee drink in the car on the way to costco is "me time." How about something you actually enjoy to do that isn't food? Something that is almost like a delicacy. Something maybe you do on your vacations?

For me it is reading or writing. I LOVE to read but I have barely read at all since my children were born. For you it could be a thousand different things. And I am not talking about something you sort of like, like jogging. I do love jogging but I also know it is an obligation to exercise.

So why not set aside 20 minutes to an hour - for you? You are worth it. How might your whole day and attitude be different if instead of cleaning when the kids napped (or whenever you hour of downtime might be), you read a book, or scrapbooked, or played an online game, or did something else useless except for the fact that you enjoyed doing it!

So what would your me time be?

Eating 4 Cookies does not Equal a Vacation from My Children

...a short rant..

I think I have gone over this before. Why does my brain think stuffing myself with comfort food will make me feel better.
My kids are great. I love them. They are so fun and funny. But my hubby has been so busy lately it has all been on me. Not complaining. Two
of those days he was building our new fence all day in 100 degree weather while I was inside the air conditioning. So totally not complaining. But I hear the words,"I need a vacation" run through my head as I shove a cookie in my mouth.
So now as my 4 year old pretends she is a dog eating her spaghetti with her face in the bowl and my two year old, snot dripping from the nose, laughs hysterically every time I tell her not to do something, I feel worse because I overdosed on cookies. I need a vacation. Not to Hawaii. Just to somewhere by myself for like 2 hours.

Day 13 Level of Commitment

My youngest daughter turned two last month. I know that now could be the time to potty train her. She is capable, if I take the time to go into intensive potty training mode. I like the idea of not buying or changing diapers. I would like her to be potty trained. So last week I hesitantly decided to get started. I bought all the little rewards and made the charts, I covered the floor with towels. I had the plan of not leaving the house much for about a week. After about 3 hours I decided to wait a few more months.

You are probably wondering if you are reading the wrong blog. What does potty training have to do with weight loss? My daughter is capable of being potty trained, I am not committed to the process of doing it right now. It is way too much work. I know I have to do it eventually but I just don't want to right now.

Now do you see the connection? Your level of success is directly related to your level of commitment. You may want to lose weight. You may want to be healthier. But wanting a result isn't going to mean much if you are not committed to the process that is going to lead to results. You actually have to be committed to the process. Committed to change. So committed that you stick with it when things get tough. So what would get your to truly commit to the challenge you are facing?

Day 12 Unsatisfied

Yesterday's mood has carried over to today. In my head I am telling myself that when I feel this way I need to respond by just continuing what I should be doing, even though I don't want to do it. I really don't want to write about this now when I don't have my stuff together. I feel like writing about my struggles with food in hindsight is okay but it is embarrassing to say, "I am struggling right now." I want to have it all together. I want this to be a thing of the past as I help other figure their issues out - but I know I am still a work in progress too. So bare with me.

Today I feel hungry. Today I feel unsatisfied. Today I feel tired of tracking what I eat. And I see myself backtracking into my old ways - reaching for some cookie dough I made for a dessert I am bringing somewhere. And the lie in my mind is that it will satisfy whatever my issue is right now. I know it won't but it feels like food will do the trick. Well it didn't. I had a spoonful and I just wanted more. This could keep going so I decided to come over here and write about it.

Here is what I know to be true: Jesus is the only one who can satisfy my deepest need. Here's a few verses about that and it is funny how he compares himself to food in many more verses then what I will share here.

John 6:35
Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

John 4:13-14
Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.[b] The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Galations 5:1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

What it comes done to in this: Jesus is the only one who can satisfy. We were designed to be satisfied by Him. He came to satisfy us and He came to save us from sin. But we can still fall back into our old habits when we aren't completely relying on his strength. We can still try to satisfy ourselves instead of turning to Him.

It is such a strange irony. I feel free when I live in submission to God and when I eat in a controlled manner. I feel free and I am free. But something comes along and tries to steal my freedom. I start to eat out of control and I feel trapped and enslaved to food again.

I will stand firm. I am free, I will not go back to that yoke of slavery. Instead I will take his yoke.

Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus says) "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Day 11 Not in the Mood

For the past few weeks I have been feeling great and was wondering what could possibly come along to derail my eating plan and motivation to stay strong on this journey.

And today I am just not in the mood to count calories, eat well, or even write about it.

What is the reason behind it? Well it's nothing catastrophic or anything. I am just tired. My daughter has been waking up with nightmares - you know - the big bad wolf is in her room, or there is a lobster in her bed or the floor is covered in "pokies." I have done my mommy duty of patience and comforting in the middle of the night but I wake up drained. I know this is not a big deal. I know things could be so much worse, I could be going through literal nightmares in life. I am thankful and blessed for this season of peace and joy we have in our home. Getting up to comfort my sweet daughter is not a big deal, I hope you don't think I am complaining. I am simply identifying what is causing me to be in this mood.

The question is, am I going to allow a non-existent lobster to stop me from achieving my goals?

Almost. Thankfully my kitchen has very little unhealthy food in it so I can't quickly grab a bunch of junk food when I am not in the mood to cook healthy. I have lots of healthy and yummy snacks ready that are much easier than trying to figure out how to satisfy my unhealthy desire to rebel today. This is part of the plan. There will be days like this. I need to be prepared.

It is really helpful that I am writing about this because normally life just happens and I never really know what came along to mess me up.

Day 10 What DO you deserve?

Do you ever have a really long day that is completely stressful and horrible, and whether you are folloing and eating plan or not, you see a big 7 layer gooey chocolate cake and you say to yourself, "I deserve that." Obviously it isn't always chocolate cake, it could be 1,000 different things: pizza, McDonalds, ice cream, french fries, anything "bad." So what in our minds tells us that when our day is awful we deserve something bad? Especially in the kind of portion we are going to eat when we say something like, "I deserve this."

If you have been reading my blog at all, you know I am NOT SAYING you should never have any of these food items - well maybe not the McDonalds but that's just me. But what I want to say today, is you should not being using food like some sort of drug to fix your problems. What are you really saying when you say "I deserve this"? You are saying - I deserve to poison my body. I deserve to be fat. I deserve to be unhappy? Why are you not worth anything? We need to figure out why you think this way. It might be a core belief you do or don't know you have.

Maybe you were told you weren't worth anything as a kid. Maybe you were treated that way. Maybe you figured you must not be worth anything because of something that happened. But no matter what you actually believe, you are worth something. You are worth a lot. You are created by God in His image and He loves you. He loves you enough to send his own son to die for you. And He wants to help you live a full and abundant life.

John 10:10 (Jesus says) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

The thief is a liar and he wants you to think you are worth nothing. God wants you to live a life of abundance.

Day 9 What Freedom under Control Feels Like

Sunday we had a church picnic. It was typical church pot luck style. Awesome. Every type of food and every type of dessert you could think of. I went down the line of casseroles, pasta dishes, jello salads, enchiladas, lasagna, fried chicken and pulled pork. I took a little of 5-6 dishes. I did not choose by what seemed low in calories. I didn't even choose any salads. (It was hot and at this point they were soggy and didn't look appetizing.) Then I went back for dessert. You are probably thinking I totally screwed up. I don't think so. I felt free in what I ate. I enjoyed the food. I did not over eat. I was satisfied. There was no guilt even though I am sure I went over my calories.

There will always be events that are centered around food. There have been times I have gone to these afraid of the food. Afraid of myself and what I would do. Or I have been in my "calorie nazi" mode where I don't enjoy a bite and maybe even leave hungry. Neither of these are healthy. It's just food. And it's there to enjoy. I don't eat this kind of food every day but I am free to enjoy it in moderation once or twice a week. So yes, the goal is to get to my goal weight, but doing it this way is an even bigger part of the goal because I know if this is the way I can do it, I will keep it off!

I am happy and proud of the way I have treated food and thought about it lately. But I can't get too confident. I have been here before and I don't know what changed that sent me back out of control. For now, I am happy where I am and I am going to work hard to keep my mind in the right place.

Day 8 Celebrating Success

Why is it that while following an eating plan we can go for say a week with absolute success - tracking our food, exercising our rears off, saying no to high calories foods that just aren't worth it - and then something happens - we are overcome with temptation, or don't see the results we hoped for on the scale - and it's over. All those successes mean nothing because our little failure drives us to quit - or maybe it gives us the excuse to do so.

Let's not do that anymore.

How about instead of letting our mistakes drive us to quit, let's focus on where we are successful. Maybe you messed up. You ate a whole pie. And a carton of ice cream. With hot fudge. Ooops. Now what? Might as well give up and never try again. Until two months from now when you look at the scale and realize you have gained back 15 pounds that you had lost plus a few. Now you have really had it and are ready to get serious again. Right? Until your next mistake.

How about after that pie and carton of ice cream you think about why you ate them. It is not normal to eat a whole pie. Were you feeling lonely? Tired? Bored? Rebellious? Tired of being good? Sick? Depressed? How were you feeling before the pie? What circumstance were you in? Maybe you can use the opportunity to figure it out and then maybe it won't happen again? Now, if you actually figure out part of your issue, and you decide to count up all those calories and log them anyway, I bet tomorrow you will be even more on track than you had been before the pie-scandal. And maybe you can even congratulate yourself and say, "today I was successful because even though I ate 7,000 calories worth of pie and ice cream, I decided not to quit." That would be real success.

So here is my idea for keeping you focused on your success. We are doing a 40 day challenge so we should be rewarded at the end of 40 days for every victory! What would be a good reward, ice cream? NO! Food is not a reward, we aren't dogs! Think about a way you wouldn't normally treat yourself. A pedicure, massage, new shoes, a new book, scrapbooking material, a new kitchen product. Get out a jar and put in $1 every day and a note on it saying "today I was successful because..."

There are a few notes I want you to write out ahead of time so that you can see them and be ready to stick them in your jar with your dollar.

Here are a few you should have ready:

"I was successful today because I didn't give up even though I messed up."

"I was successful today because I ate my favorite food in moderation and was satisfied."

"I was successful today because I made a plan for myself when I knew I was going to have a high calorie meal."

"I was successful today because I tried a new form of exercise."


I would love to hear how you have been successful. Feel free to comment here with your successes!

Day 7 CHALLENGE!

I have decided to turn this blog into a 40 day challenge. That was my intention in the beginning but I had a fear of obligation towards 40 days and getting burnt out on writing (kind of like my pumpkin recipe blog a few years back). But I have been working on this blog for almost a month and have gotten some really positive feedback. Yesterday someone even told me that my blog has inspired her to return to Weight Watchers and make some healthy changes. It was so encouraging to hear that! So I decided to make this a 40 day challenge and the challenge will be unique to each person who wants to participate. Some of you have a lot of weight to lose and a lot of baggage to figure out. Some people (myself included) are pretty near their goal weight but have something in us that has stopped us from finishing. Some people might not even be overweight but you still have issues with the way you think about food or exercise. I feel like sometimes we need a challenge to get our booties off the couch and get done what needs to get done.


Here are a few things I hope you do with this challenge:

- Find a food plan that is realistic to follow, so realistic that you would be able to turn it into a lifestyle. I highly, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend NOT depriving yourself of food you love but to find a way to work it in, in moderation. Or maybe you can find an alternate food that tastes similar but costs less calories. I recommend Weight Watchers or Myfitnesspal.com because these are methods that work in real life.

- make it more than a diet/exercise challenge - journal to find out about where your bad food habits and issues come from.

- Be prepared to make mistakes but don't let them stop you, instead learn from them. Ask yourself questions to get to the root of why you made that mistake so you don't make it again.

- celebrate your successes: I will post more about this tomorrow

-when you get to 40 days, don't allow yourself to slip into old habit but instead build upon what you have learned. 40 days is not the end of the journey, just the end of the first part of a challenge.

-When you are ready to say you will do this with me for 40 days, write a comment or send me an email letting me know what day you started and when the 40th day of your challenge will be.

Example: I am Carrie Miller and I am excited to get started challenging myself to journal about the things that trigger my out of control eating, and figure out why I have been self-sabatoging myself from having complete success with weight loss. I will track my calories on myfitnesspal even when I go over my calories. I am starting this challenge 5/16/2-12 and my 40th day will be 6/24/2012. I don't expect to be at my goal weight by then but I do hope to be closer to it than I am right now. I promise myself that when I mess up I will not abandon this challenge but instead try to learn why I messed up.

Feel free to share as much or as little in your message to me. I know when I first began to have success and healing was when I finally admitted to another person that I was struggling with food issues.

I am excited to be on this journey. What is stopping you for coming with me? Come on, you are worth it! And if you don't believe me, then you need to come anyway and hopefully you will begin to believe that you are worth it!

Day 6 Obstacles

Say you are climbing Mount Everest. This would be a big goal and it would require a lot of planning and preparation. You have a very specific goal in mind - get to the top. With such a huge goal you would be really surprised if you hiked straight to the top without any expected and unexpected obstacles. I am not a mountain climber but I would imagine there would be terrain changes, extreme weather, injuries, equipment failures and many other things I can't even begin to imagine.

And really, if we were watching this mountain climbing journey in a movie, the obstacles, challenges and how the climber overcame them would be what made the movie interesting, what made us cheer for them. What if at the first difficulty, instead of finding a solution, the climber turned around and went home?

We have a big goal too. Maybe it's not Mount Everest. But it might feel like it if you have been battling weight loss, dieting, food issues and body image for ten, fifteen, or twenty plus years.

There are things that happen that can derail your weight loss. That can stop you and they will if you let them. It's as if you turn around and go home after all that planning, you give up your dream. Something happens and it allows you an excuse. So who had a better excuse the overweight man who has a minor injury so gives up going to the gym or the mountain climber who has frost bite? The mother who didn't get enough sleep because of small children or the mother on a mountain away from her family sleeping in zero degrees? And who is more likely to actually reach their goal? I would put my money on the mountain climber. Not because the person losing weight can't do it, but because of the kind of commitment it takes to even get on a mountain. What kind of commitment do you have towards your goal? I wrote about goals yesterday if you want to take a look at that.

Drive, commitment, focus, believing in yourself: these are the things that will bring you through, over, around or under obstacles. Think of obstacles that way, as something you need to find a solution to - not a reason to quit. Maybe you slipped down the mountain a little. Maybe you screwed up. Maybe you quit before. Get back up. Try again. Get back up - you are worth it and your goal is worth achieving!

Day 5 Journey to a Destination

There are so many cliché statements I could make about setting a goal. I envision a junior high library full of posters with pictures of jets saying "aim high," or of a President or astronaut that says, "you can do anything if you set your mind to it." The thing is, the people who are successful in whatever they do have more than a goal, they have a plan and they have focus. Whatever goal you have, do you actually realize it's possible? You can be within your BMI. You could become athletic. Even if it doesn't have to do with weight, if your goal is to become a millionaire, if you make a financial plan and stick to it with focus, you will become what you aim for.

You can attain your health, fitness, and eating goals. It is possible. What is stopping you? What has stopped you before? We will go into obstacles more on a day to come but today we are talking about your goals. Not accomplishing your goal is most likely a mental issue.

Sorry to break it to you but it is your head that's the problem. I don't care what diet you tried before, if you would have followed it you would have gotten results; but you didn't, so the question isn't what's wrong with the diet, it is what is wrong with your head? My hope is to deal with some of those mental issues in this blog and part of this will be setting goals today.

Before we set goals let me tell you a little story about myself. At one point in my life I was pretty close to my goal weight. I had been doing weight watchers and I had lost a good amount of weight. At 24 years old I was feeling pretty good about myself. There was one major problem. At this point in my life, I had been struggling with smoking cigarettes and drinking excessively for about 5 years. It was something I thought I enjoyed but also hated. Honestly my life was a big mess. This is a very long story but to make it short, what finally happened was I started going to church - something I had never done in my life. I had not even believed in God before this. After trying everything on my own to quit smoking and drinking, I gave this burden over to God in prayer. I submitted my whole life to Him and a miracle truly happened. I became a new person and I never wanted to smoke or drink excessively again.

A few months after this I was still looking pretty good from my recent weight loss but I realized I was still struggling with the way I was eating and the way I was thinking of food. I actually found out that I had an eating disorder called compulsive eating. I had been seeing a counselor to work through some of my other issues and I very meekly brought up to her how I wanted to deal with this eating disorder. She did not take me seriously at all since I was thin. And I thought, "maybe I am ok." A few months later I met the man I would one day marry. I kept the weight off as we dated and lost even more weight before our wedding. But the thing that was wrong in my head was still there and I gained about 50 pounds in the 6 months after our wedding. I will come back to continuing this story later but for now I want to say something about the goal setting. My ultimate goal is not my weight. It is good to set a goal that is measurable so I do think you should have a goal weight. But my ultimate goal has more to do with my relationship with food and how I deal with it and think about it.

Here are my goals:

I will enjoy food but do so in moderation. I will think of food as fuel for my body. I will not obsess over how many calories I can eat or how much I weigh. I will renew the way I think about food. I will find out what my triggers are as far as overeating or binging is concerned. I will find ways to re-direct the triggers towards something that is good for me instead of something that sabotages my goals. I will stick with my calorie counting even if I go over my calorie limit. I will exercise and I will discover a kind of exercise that I enjoy. I will not give up if I make a mistake, instead I will learn from it through journaling. I will make time for me. I will trust God to give me the strength to do this. I believe that I am worth fighting for and I will fight for myself to win this battle.

While my mission is to accomplish the above I believe I will see the results of my effort in my weight. My ultimate goal weight is ________. (My current weight is ________) Please make sure your goal weight is within your healthy BMI. If it is not you will need to adjust your goal. http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/adult_bmi/english_bmi_calculator/bmi_calculator.html


Now your goal might be something that might take a year or more, you are going to need to set daily and weekly goals to keep you focused on your ultimate goal

These goals should be ATTAINABLE, or you are setting yourself up to fail! I remember a great friend giving me advice years ago as I told her my goal was to go to the gym 5 days a week. "Why not make the goal 3 days a week, it doesn't mean you can't go more than that, but make your goal attainable." Of course I didn't take her advice, I did the 5 days a week the first week and then I burned out. I also don't recommend depriving yourself of food you love. Make your goal to eat it in moderation. This is a lifestyle!

First short term goals that will lead towards my ultimate long term goal are:

food goal:
fitness goal:
other goal:

These goals are the beginning of a roadmap to who you want to become. You aren't in a hurry, focus on the journey as you aim for the destination.

Day 4 Rebound

Today proves a theory I have had in my head for a while. You can feel like crap because you are eating out of control for any period of time and within 24-48 hours of eating under control, feel fantastic again. Some people may have experienced this when they start a diet. By the second or third day they feel somewhat skinny and confident when nothing has really changed except their mind-set. I have experienced this over and over in my yo-yo dieting life. I know I have found the key to it all which is eating normal food in moderation. The problem is the rebellious streak that tells me I need, want or have to have more. It seems ridiculous right now that I would let myself go back to that place. From where I am now, I am happy. I like having control over food and truly enjoying what I eat as I do so in satisfying moderation. But there is a little gremlin deep within me that starts to whisper "you won't really enjoy it unless you have two." And then two becomes three. Or, "you don't feel very good right now, chocolate will make everything feel better."

For me I have found that counting calories gives me freedom to eat the food I enjoy under control. Part of my problem can be when I go over the calories a little bit. This should be okay, I should have the freedom to do that occasionally. But something in my mind says, you've blown it going over by 13 calories, you might as well go buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Obviously this is not logical. I want to work on allowing myself the freedom to see my calories a guideline not a tightrope. I don't want this to be and on/off diet. I want to eat normal and under control as a lifestyle, and to do so I know I have to count my calories.

Day 3 In and out of control

When I started the idea of this blog I really thought I mostly had it together and would figure the rest out as I wrote about different topics having to do with eating habits, weight loss and diet. I was thinking this could be like financial peace university but for peace from food, not money. As the days go on I am finding out I have less overall control than I thought I had. I am starting to feel like an alcoholic (an area I do have a lot of former experience in) but with food.

The truth is, I have gotten my weight down to an acceptable weight. I am in shape. Good shape. But food still has a major hold over me. Not because I have to eat to live but because I lose control to food. I am so sick of this and it goes back so far. I compare it to alcoholism because I have a dear person in my life who is an alcoholic. She continues to forget promises she makes to herself and others and repeats the self-destructive behavior. I am the same. And the hardest part is when I am eating under control, I feel so good, so confident and so happy that I truly believe I will not slip back into my old way. But then I do, over and over again.

Even though I don't have a lot of obvious current consequences with food, they are there and I am not in control. I have days, weeks or months of not allowing food to control me and then something switches in my brain and I lose my motivation to eat under control. I am so sick of it, I really thought I was doing so much better. And I am bouncing back faster than I used to - but I still have some very deep issues with food.

I guess I really am like an alcoholic in the sense that this will always be a struggle for me. I know alcoholics who have been sober 20 years and still crave a drink. But the difference with food is I can't quit it. I have to manage it and I hope to still enjoy it.

The question is, why do I go back to self-destruction and self-sabotage when I have found the way to eat food, enjoy it and do it under control? Why do I want to be out of control? It is not about the food. It is something else - this is what I need to figure out.

Questions for today:
How does being out of control feel?

In what ways have you self-sabotaged yourself with food?

Day 2 "66 grams"

My original plan was to talk about eating plans today. I also planned on making an entry every day for 40 days. I need to make sure, as much as is possible, everything I do with this will be helpful to me and to those reading it. Putting a 40 day - must write pressure on me is not helpful.

Also, I am realizing what I really want to write about is not diet. Move more, eat less. That sums it up. I will refer to calories because I do count them but it is more like a budget than anything. If I want to lose weight I have to eat under a certain amount of calories. What I really want to talk about is why people with food and body image issues like me do not succeed in dieting and it's not the diets fault. This will be the main focus of my blog.

It has been about a week since I wrote the first entry. I have thought a lot about things I wanted to write but have not actually been able to write. I actually feel successful for my lack of success! Writing this blog is not my number one goal. Finding healing in the way I think about food is my goal. I have had an extremely successful week and it included my birthday. Some days I ate more than I should have but I didn't let it stop me from making the best choices I could, enjoying food and enjoying my birthday celebration, and getting back on track to do the best that I could after.
This may not sounds like success to you but I have always been all or nothing when it comes to food. I am either a calories nazi or a complete glutton. And if I screwed up as a diet nazi it would take at least a month of eating completely out of control before I convinced myself to try again.

This past week I was neither. I was normal. The scale said I gained a few pounds after my birthday. In the past that would be a sign to give up. But instead, I refocused and got back on track with my calorie counting and exercise.

Today after 4 days of eating extremely well I have been hit with a few triggers that normally send me binging. I could feel it coming and I was already making excuses in my mind, trying to get myself to do go out of control with food because there is something in me that thinks doing this well comfort me or make me feel better. My mental conversations about the ice cream in my freezer have gone on for hours. I remind myself repeatedly that chocolate will not make me feel better. Finally on the verge of eating out of the carton, an extreme thought occurred, " why don't you measure out exactly one serving?" YES! I got out my scale and measure 66 grams of full fat cookies and cream ice cream. This is half a cup of ice cream for 140 calories.

Half a cup of ice cream is not a lot but it did the trick - not the comforting me part - that's not ice cream's job, but giving me that little sweet/chocolate craving and doing it under control. I feel free. I did go over my calories today because of the ice cream but I believe I am free to do this as long as it is not on a daily basis that will sabotage my weight loss. I am still actually within the amount of calories that counts towards losing weight. I am very excited and my emotions have really turned from feeling defeated by my temptations to truly feel free because I ate under control, enjoyed food, and did not binge.

For your journal:

What do you consider success as far as your eating goes?

Have you ever been an "all or nothing" dieter?

Do you ever feel like food will make you "feel better"?

Day 1 Why we need more than a diet

Weight loss is a lot more than a diet. And many people will tell you, diets don't work. I agree. Really the formula is simple and many of us have heard it many ways over and over. Move more, eat less. Simple. But why don't we do it? Why can't we succeed? I say "we" because I am on this journey too and I am not done yet. I have truly come a long way. I have learned so much and am even a different person in many aspects in regards to the way I see and think of food. Six years ago, I wouldn't have even had this conversation with anyone. My issues with food were somewhat of a secret and they tournmented me. I would have been open about wanting to lose weight or about whatever my current diet was, but the secret was my body image and the deep issues I had with food which included compulsive eating or binging. I felt alone and I felt like a failure because every time I started a diet with enthusiasm, it was only a matter of time before I had given up.

What I want to do in this blog is to discuss what I have learned. With you and with myself. I want to help someone else with food and body image issues and I also want to finish my own journey. I see this journey like a puzzle and I feel like through prayer, reading, discussing, and hard work I have completed about 80% of my puzzle. But I am not done. As I tell you about the 80% I have gone through hopefully you will be able to identify with it and allow it to help you, and hopefully it will also help me figure out the last 20%.

What I am talking about here is a lot more than my weight. I believe being overweight is a result of more than overeating and lack of exercise. It is a symptom of other issues we may or may not even know we need to deal with. As I have slowly lost weight, I feel my lowered weight is a direct reflection of the process and healing I have gone through.

I have heard it said that any diet you could follow would work or produce results. And that must be true if in essence the diet is causing you to consume less calories than you need to maintain your weight. There are thousands of diets out there and really any of them could produce results, but the issue is sticking with it. Finishing it. Getting to your goal weight. So the real issue is, WHY do we abandon the diet? If you are like me, your weight might even be the thing you think about the most. You might even obsess about it. Then why do we over-eat when this is the cause of our problems?

Why are there so many diets out there and why do we keep trying new ones if they don't work? Depriving yourself of certain foods or only eating other foods will not ultimately get you to your goal weight and allow you to maintain it in most cases. It is true that if you stick to any diet you will lose some weight. But what will happen when you mess up? What happens when you walk by the bakery and smell that fresh bread? Do you fight in your mind about blowing your diet until suddenly instead of deciding to enjoy one small muffin you have eaten an entire cake! And then the diet is over right. Forget it, you have failed! Or maybe it's the piece of pizza or scoop of ice cream? After eating them, mentally you have blown it so you give up. Right? You might as well eat the whole pizza or whole pint of ice cream. Obviously this is not true but this is what happens in our minds. I mean you can't live carrots, celery and cabbage soup forever.

There are so many fad diets out there the cabbage soup diet is one example and low-carb or Atkins is another. I have been told by so many people that low carb is a lifestyle diet. I am sorry but I refuse to live life without occasionally enjoying a delicious pasta dinner. Or dessert made with real sugar. Or fresh warm bread. Or.. Ok, I don't want to make anyone hungry here. The deal is this; wouldn't it be great if you could eat those things and truly enjoy them? If you could eat them and savor the flavor, taste and texture without guilt? If you could have enough control to eat one cookie, or brownie or one scoop of ice cream without thinking about the next one?

The truth is I love food. I love cooking. I love baking. I love baking with my kids. I love entertaining and bringing my friends and neighbors food I have baked. I do not want to give this up. Food is not evil. Do you think of food as evil? Food is not evil the same way money isn't evil. It is what we do with it that can be good or bad.

Did you notice that the title "Finding Freedom in Eating under Control"? It seems like a contradiction to have freedom when you are under control. That is the reason we abandon diets, because we want freedom, right? When I say freedom here I mean freedom from the bondage that food has had you in. We will break free together of the hold food has had on us. I feel amazing when I can eat food I enjoy and do it within the calories I have allotted for the day. I have felt this freedom only to give it up again. I want to be completely free, not of eating or food, but free of the unnecessary hold food has on me.

I hope you will come on this journey with me. No matter where you are at, if you have issues with food, please join me. I promise I will be open and honest when I struggle and if I mess up. All you need to join me in this journey is a journal and a willingness to be honest with yourself. And if you would like to join my 40 day challenge, check out day 7 where I go into detail about it.

Here are the questions for you to answer today:

What kind of successes and failures have you had with food and weight loss?

How long has your weight been a struggle? When did it start?

In what ways do you feel in bondage to food?

What way would your life be different if you were at your goal weight?

Why is it important for you to do the work of figuring out why you struggle with your eating?

There may be a long road ahead for you - and you might be a tortoise like me. Let me give you some hope; you may not see the finish line now, but I promise it's there and I promise as long as you take it step by step, day by day, you will know that you are making progress and are better than when you started.