Day 2 "66 grams"

My original plan was to talk about eating plans today. I also planned on making an entry every day for 40 days. I need to make sure, as much as is possible, everything I do with this will be helpful to me and to those reading it. Putting a 40 day - must write pressure on me is not helpful.

Also, I am realizing what I really want to write about is not diet. Move more, eat less. That sums it up. I will refer to calories because I do count them but it is more like a budget than anything. If I want to lose weight I have to eat under a certain amount of calories. What I really want to talk about is why people with food and body image issues like me do not succeed in dieting and it's not the diets fault. This will be the main focus of my blog.

It has been about a week since I wrote the first entry. I have thought a lot about things I wanted to write but have not actually been able to write. I actually feel successful for my lack of success! Writing this blog is not my number one goal. Finding healing in the way I think about food is my goal. I have had an extremely successful week and it included my birthday. Some days I ate more than I should have but I didn't let it stop me from making the best choices I could, enjoying food and enjoying my birthday celebration, and getting back on track to do the best that I could after.
This may not sounds like success to you but I have always been all or nothing when it comes to food. I am either a calories nazi or a complete glutton. And if I screwed up as a diet nazi it would take at least a month of eating completely out of control before I convinced myself to try again.

This past week I was neither. I was normal. The scale said I gained a few pounds after my birthday. In the past that would be a sign to give up. But instead, I refocused and got back on track with my calorie counting and exercise.

Today after 4 days of eating extremely well I have been hit with a few triggers that normally send me binging. I could feel it coming and I was already making excuses in my mind, trying to get myself to do go out of control with food because there is something in me that thinks doing this well comfort me or make me feel better. My mental conversations about the ice cream in my freezer have gone on for hours. I remind myself repeatedly that chocolate will not make me feel better. Finally on the verge of eating out of the carton, an extreme thought occurred, " why don't you measure out exactly one serving?" YES! I got out my scale and measure 66 grams of full fat cookies and cream ice cream. This is half a cup of ice cream for 140 calories.

Half a cup of ice cream is not a lot but it did the trick - not the comforting me part - that's not ice cream's job, but giving me that little sweet/chocolate craving and doing it under control. I feel free. I did go over my calories today because of the ice cream but I believe I am free to do this as long as it is not on a daily basis that will sabotage my weight loss. I am still actually within the amount of calories that counts towards losing weight. I am very excited and my emotions have really turned from feeling defeated by my temptations to truly feel free because I ate under control, enjoyed food, and did not binge.

For your journal:

What do you consider success as far as your eating goes?

Have you ever been an "all or nothing" dieter?

Do you ever feel like food will make you "feel better"?