When I started the idea of this blog I really thought I mostly had it together and would figure the rest out as I wrote about different topics having to do with eating habits, weight loss and diet. I was thinking this could be like financial peace university but for peace from food, not money. As the days go on I am finding out I have less overall control than I thought I had. I am starting to feel like an alcoholic (an area I do have a lot of former experience in) but with food.
The truth is, I have gotten my weight down to an acceptable weight. I am in shape. Good shape. But food still has a major hold over me. Not because I have to eat to live but because I lose control to food. I am so sick of this and it goes back so far. I compare it to alcoholism because I have a dear person in my life who is an alcoholic. She continues to forget promises she makes to herself and others and repeats the self-destructive behavior. I am the same. And the hardest part is when I am eating under control, I feel so good, so confident and so happy that I truly believe I will not slip back into my old way. But then I do, over and over again.
Even though I don't have a lot of obvious current consequences with food, they are there and I am not in control. I have days, weeks or months of not allowing food to control me and then something switches in my brain and I lose my motivation to eat under control. I am so sick of it, I really thought I was doing so much better. And I am bouncing back faster than I used to - but I still have some very deep issues with food.
I guess I really am like an alcoholic in the sense that this will always be a struggle for me. I know alcoholics who have been sober 20 years and still crave a drink. But the difference with food is I can't quit it. I have to manage it and I hope to still enjoy it.
The question is, why do I go back to self-destruction and self-sabotage when I have found the way to eat food, enjoy it and do it under control? Why do I want to be out of control? It is not about the food. It is something else - this is what I need to figure out.
Questions for today:
How does being out of control feel?
In what ways have you self-sabotaged yourself with food?
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